10 Movies That Scared the Crap Out of Me When I Was a Kid

It's halfway through October and that means it's nearly Halloween! Hip hip hooray! I love Halloween. Oddly however, I do not love Haunted Houses or Scary Movies. Go figure. What I love about Halloween is the palpable change in weather, dressing up in silly costumes, candy corn, caramel apples, It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!, and trick or treating with my nieces.

The other night I went to see Rosemary's Baby on the big screen. I had never seen it and I think deep down it was because I always thought it was going to be a super scary movie and I don't do super scary. But it wasn't scary and I rather enjoyed it. It also got me thinking about the movies that did scare me. I've also read a few lists like this online. Since I don't really watch scary movies anymore, and when I do I can handle it a little better now that I'm an adult, what I've compiled here is my list of the 10 Movies That Scared the Crap Out of Me When I Was a Kid:

1. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial - I know what you're thinking: who could be afraid of E.T.? But when I saw the movie at five years old it was quite scary. I remember being really freaked out at the beginning when E.T. is running through the woods and underbrush and you can't really see him, you just hear the noises he makes. I can remember clutching the armrest of the theater chair and hiding my eyes against my dad's shoulder. I can also remember the little boy sitting next to me asking his mother why I was hiding my eyes and her reply, "Because she's just a little girl and she's scared." Damn straight! Drew Barrymore as Gertie helped allay my fears of E.T. But overall it was still a scary movie for a five year old and I hid my eyes again when the big bad men in hazmat suits came for E.T. and Elliot.

2. The Dark Crystal - I saw this in the theater when it came out and I can remember spending the majority of the movie sitting on my dad's lap and again hiding my eyes. The skeksis FREAKED ME OUT! I was also creeped when they drained the poor podlings' essences.

3. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - Oompa Loompas, kids getting sucked into giant tubes, sent to incinerators, and turned into giant blueberries?? That is some scary shit. And Willy Wonka himself is creepy. And don't get me started on that damn tunnel. Sure I love it now and did as a kid too, but not on the first few viewings. It took awhile to get past the initial trauma.

4. Poltergeist - Oh Holy Jesus. I was seven when I watched this movie. We were at the house of some friends of our family and the whole group of adults and children were watching it on cable. How anyone could possibly think a seven year old should be watching this film is beyond me. At the time my mom, sister and I were moving into my soon-to-be stepdad's house. There was no furniture in the house yet because we were painting all the walls. That night after watching Poltergeist, my mom put me to bed in a sleeping bag on the floor of the master bedroom while mom and Mike stayed up late painting. I was terrified that the huge closet was going to come alive and suck me in. To this day, when I smell fresh paint I get a terrifying sense memory of Poltergeist.

5. Kingdom of the Spiders - I can't remember exactly when I saw this made for TV movie, but I must have been pretty young. All I remember is being terrified at the end when Shatner has to go down in the pitch black basement to replace a blown fuse and you just knew, KNEW there was going to be a gazillion tarantulas waiting to get him! And there were. But he survived. Yay.

6. The Watcher in the Woods - Disney does scary. The mom of a fellow girl scout rented this for all us girls to watch at a Halloween party. It's quite laughable to watch now, but of course when I was a kid it scared the bejeezus out of me. I still can't see the name Karen without seeing Narek written in the condensation of a window. Plus Bette Davis was a frightening old lady.

7. Carrie - One night I was hanging out with my older sister as she was getting ready to go out on a date. I was sitting on her waterbed as she put on her massive amounts of black makeup and feathered her hair just so. Her bedroom TV was tuned to a showing of Carrie. I was intrigued because even though it's spelled differently, the girl had my name and red hair like me. But as I continued to watch it I started to get more and more freaked because this Carrie was weird and people were mean to her and her mom was crazy and spoke with a terrible and overdramatic voice and oh no they've dumped a bucket of blood all over her!! And now she's killed everyone.

8. The Exorcist - My cousin Jenny and I were inseparable when we were kids. She was an only child and my sister was much older than me so we were each other's surrogate sibling in childhood. Jenny loved horror movies and her dad would rent them for her. One weekend while I was staying with them he rented the grandaddy of all horror films, The Exorcist. As soon as Regan stepped into the living room in front of her mom and her mom's friends and peed on the rug I knew I didn't want to watch this movie. The idea of this girl unable to control herself and peeing on a rug mortified me. Shortly after Regan started thrashing around on her bed against her will I had had enough. My uncle lived in a one bedroom apartment. I couldn't really GO anywhere to escape the terrible, frightening SOUNDS emanating from the TV. I remember to distract myself I looked through an entire JC Penney catalog. To this day it's those sounds that haunt me, not the visuals of the film. I have watched this as an adult and it is without a doubt the scariest movie I have ever seen. I envy those of you that watch it and laugh because you find it campy.

9. A Nightmare on Elm Street - One night my friend Helen stayed over. A Nightmare on Elm Street was the midnight movie on TV and we thought it would be really cool to stay up late and watch it. By the time Johnny Depp got sucked into that bed there was NO WAY I was going to fall asleep that night. Helen on the other hand, passed right out. I kept watching TV as a way to distract myself and not fall asleep. I think Bachelor Party came on. Tom Hanks would save me from Freddy Krueger. I finally fell asleep around dawn.


10. Alive - Again, I know what you're thinking: Alive? Alive scared the crap out of you? I know. It seems silly. Especially since I wasn't a kid anymore when I saw this, I was 16 or 17 which is kind of old to be scared by a movie. And really it didn't scare me as much as just really, really disturb me. The plane crash and then the survivors forced to eat the flesh of their dead friends was just ew, ew, ew, awful. It was difficult for me to fall asleep at night for weeks after watching this movie. I think the fact that it was a true story made it worse. I couldn't shake the creepy, terrible feeling it gave me.

That's it. Quite a list, huh? I know. I'm a big wimp and all of you could name dozens of scarier movies out there. But guess what? I haven't seen those.

My Epiphany at a Professional Bra Fitting

I’ve been a fan of What Not to Wear for years, mainly because I think Clinton Kelly is adorable and wish I could add him to my gaggle of gays. One of the first things they always make women on the show do is get a professional bra fitting because the key to looking good in clothes is having the proper under garments and 8 out of 10 women are wearing the wrong bra size! I’ve always wanted to have a professional bra fitting but was also always a little bit scared. Do I really want to know how enormous my breasts actually are? I wasn’t afraid of them being smaller than I thought they were. I know they’re gigantic. And trust me, all you small breasted ladies out there: it’s a curse, not a blessing. I was measured once at a Bali store in an outlet mall. But after my new knowledge I can identify that fitting for what it was: a half-assed job by a bored teenage mall employee.

A few days ago, on the recommendation of a friend I trust, who works in high end retail and knows her shit, I went to the lingerie department at Nordstrom and had an honest to God, professional bra fitting and it was nothing short of a revelation.

The no nonsense, Certified Fit Specialist, Ingrid, took me to a dressing room, instructed me to remove my blouse, yanked the insufficient bra I was wearing into approximate place, whipped the measuring tape that was hanging around her neck over my torso and measured me. On the bra I was wearing my band was two sizes too big and my cup size was two sizes too small. JIMINY CHRISTMAS. Then as I waited in the dressing room, my angel Ingrid proceeded to go out on the sales floor and gather the correct size bras for me to try on. Such a difference! Everything is now in the right place, tightly controlled, but perfectly comfortable. Because I had been wearing my band size too large, my bra was shifting as I went about my day, causing redness and irritation to my delicate skin, failing to keep my lovelies high and in place, and allowing for unnecessary bouncing. Now? My bra band stays firmly in place and my cups are large enough to control my lovelies so that there is no irritation, they don't sag unflatteringly, and they don't bounce indiscreetly.

Ingrid also shared with me the longevity rules of bras:

1. Never wear the same bra two days in a row. After a day of wear, the bra must be allowed to rest and fall back into its original shape.
2. When you buy a bra the band should fit snugly on the outside set of hooks. You will use this set of hooks for up to, but no longer than, the first two months of the bra’s life.
3. After two months at most, you will switch to the middle set of hooks. You will use this set of hooks for the next five to six months.
4. After those five to six months, maybe a bit longer if you feel the bra is holding up well, you will switch to the inside set of hooks. Once you switch to the inside set of hooks, your bra is at the end of its life. It will only perform well for you for about another month or so.
5. Have you calculated that? Yep, only 9 months give or take, so if you’ve had a bra for a year or more, it’s time to retire the bra. You should be able to feel when a bra stops performing for you. Once it’s not doing its job 100%, get a new bra!
5. A bra can be worn five times before washing. Always wash on gentle cycle, always wash it inside a mesh garment bag so it doesn’t get twisted or hooked on other clothes, and never use Woolite.
6. Never put a bra in the dryer, always hang to dry. (I already knew that one.)

I know this is a funny thing to blog about, but I feel so much better that it seems an important thing to share with women. Go get a professional bra fitting! Preferably from an older, experienced, Certified Fit Specialist. Take care of your lovelies, look great, and feel great about yourself. We all deserve it.

Oh and for you Las Vegas locals, Ingrid works at Nordstrom at Fashion Show Mall. The phone number is 702-781-1240. Call her!

xoxo

Watch out Cajon Pass! Here I come!

It used to be when I would drive to L.A. I would take what I call the "back way" using the Pearblossom Highway. Pearblossom, although dangerous due to its one lane each way (I will never drive it at night), is quite fun because it takes you across a windy valley where the road is littered with little shops that sell kites and wind chimes and other toys and Charlie Brown Farms where you can buy all kinds of good stuff to eat. I like to make a stop at Penney Lynn’s shop and buy a colorful pinwheel then open up my truck windows so it can cheerfully spin in the breeze. Pearblossom also has a long stretch of hilly ups and downs that if you hit them just right give you that satisfying, squirmy, stomach dropping sensation that induces in me odd nostalgia for family road trips as a kid.

I am driving to L.A. today to visit my dear friend Jen (and see Amy and Ben too!) and unfortunately my little "back way" would take me much longer since Jen lives in Culver City, so I am taking the straightforward route down the 15 to the 10. Saving time is always good, but truthfully I loathe this route because it takes me over the dreaded Cajon Pass. I hate the Cajon Pass. The downturn of this pass is so very, very steep, so that the stretch of road seems to float hundreds of feet in the air with a bottomless pit on one side of it. Most drivers fly down it at speeds that so defy logic that it all just makes me want to cry. As soon as I hit it my heart starts pounding, blood rushes to my head, my breathes shorten, I turn down the radio for concentration and grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white, all the while praying that I will live through it! And I don’t even believe in prayer! I always move over to the slow lane, but that doesn’t stop these crazy freewheeling speedsters from crawling up my ass and then passing me as soon as they get the chance! I’ve shared this irrational fear of the Cajon Pass with friends. It’s amazing how polarized the reactions can be. One friend will agree with me completely while another will laugh in my face and berate me for being that slow scaredy cat that gets in their way when they traverse the pass with glee! To make matters worse, just the other day I saw on the news that there was a 50 CAR PILEUP on the pass! No deaths, thank goodness, but still! Of course this was very early in the morning and due to early morning fog obscuring the roadway. I'll hit it just after noon so I'm sure I'll be fine. Gulp.

Inadvertant, chaotic comedy at the ATM

So earlier this evening I'm at the drive through ATM and had a typical Kerry experience. The drive through ATM is not so easy to navigate from my truck. It's too high, so I end up leaning out my window and reaching down to insert my card and punch the appropriate buttons. Well right at the moment that my money pops out (I'm withdrawing some funds in anticipation of my mini break this weekend) my phone rings. Instead of letting it ring, doofus that I am decides to answer it at the same time that I grab my money. Only I don't grab it firmly enough and it gets caught in the brisk breeze that is blowing, falls to the ground and starts scattering willy nilly and here's me on the phone (to Phillip) "OH SHIT!! I have to call you back! SHIT SHIT SHIT!" and I throw the phone into the passenger seat. Of course I'm pulled so close to the ATM because of my big truck that I can't open my door in order to jump out and chase my money! So I pop into drive, pull up a few feet and then launch myself out the door and scramble on the black pavement for my runaway twenties that are in a trail behind my truck. Luckily there was no one behind me in the ATM line and the bills didn't get too far. The one that got the furthest was about 10 feet away. I was so mortified and freaked out I couldn't even be sure I got all my money until I got back in the truck and counted it. Oh and the ATM was beeping at me because my card was still in it!! Luckily I didn't lose any money. All was properly accounted for although the bills were black from my feet stepping on them and smashing them into the pavement to keep them from blowing further away and my hands and the knees of my jeans were black too.

Lesson learned. When withdrawing money from an ATM, let it go to voicemail when your phone rings. Boy do I feel stupid.

My old folks home.

Long story short: my boyfriend Phillip and I are living in a 55 and older retirement community because we inherited a mortgage free house that we can't sell. Technically we are breaking HOA rules by living in the house (even though Phillip owns it) because we are 20 years too young, but so far we've stayed under the radar and received no complaints.

So here's the thing: I am really enjoying living among the old folks! It's quiet, there are no kids, there are no loud parties, there aren't even loud cars with thumping music that pass by! And then the neighborhood is beautiful! The HOA keeps the yards pristine and there is wildlife galore: myriad birds and wild desert cottontail bunnies. The bunnies are a delight. In our row of homes everyone has a shared backyard and the animals just wander through and frolic as they please. I can watch out my sliding glass door as momma and poppa quail pass by with their eight babies following, then Mr. Hummingbird flits by in search of something sweet, all while half a dozen bunnies, with their white tails flashing me, hop around with their noses to the ground sniffing out something good. It's relaxing.

Here are a few pictures to give you an idea of my bliss.

This one is a general shot of the backyard. You can see three bunnies chillin' in the grass:



And here are three little ones outside our bedroom window:



And check out this lounger! Again out the bedroom window:



All these shots are unfortunately just taken with my iPhone and through the glass window because the minute I try to step outside to get close enough to take a better picture all I see are white tails hopping away. But you get the idea of the cuteness I enjoy on a daily basis.

As long as it can continue in this manner, I will enjoy living in my old folks home!